Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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