you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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