period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
