Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
