You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
