He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
