she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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