I just cut my nipple shaving
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
