Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
