a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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