I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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