Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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