I am puke
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
