Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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