I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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