we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
