Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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