make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
