i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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