I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
