I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
