sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Randomize
