He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
