my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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