Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
40s are totally the cure
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
