I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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