Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
