I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
