mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
