she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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