i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize