My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Come see our sink grown plant.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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