Yo dont text me then not text me
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
