I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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