That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
