Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
