I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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