i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
