i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Mom said you looked used
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
