When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
