I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
