I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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