I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize