There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
