Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
