Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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