You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
