you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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