don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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