he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
