My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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