You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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