just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
bring money and cleavage
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize