I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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