I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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