He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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