I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize