you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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