So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
